On Cry-It-Out (CIO)

Cry it out is a common topic you hear in discussion with moms pretty frequently. It raises quite a bit of controversy too. For some, it is the only way to get some peace and quiet, for others it is neglect to let your child do it.

Growing up, I had always been indoctrinated with the concept that with kids, you can't just go to them every time they scream and cry. It will merely teach them that this type of behavior is acceptable, and even if you show displeasure, it still has the desired affect of giving the child attention. And this is true, to an extent. I will explain:

It is pretty much a well known fact that kids will try to get the attention of their parents. Kids don't always care if it is good or bad attention. They'll take it any way they can get it. Attention seeking behavior, in my opinion can be either on purpose or subconscious, but I think we all will do it, even as adults. Training a kid sometimes is like training a dog (you'd say the opposite if you had kids first, I had a dog first so for me, this is the order I choose). Positive reinforcement yields positive behaviors. Punishment is not always effective because it is often carried out inconsistently (enter shows like Super Nanny and Nanny 911). Attention is intangible and so when poor behavior attracts it, it is the same as giving a mouse a cookie, so to speak.

There is however, an age/developmental issue that people don't talk about. Probably because it is virtually impossible to pin point. What do I mean by that? Well, babies have no concept of what attention means. They simply have needs and as a baby, needs need to be met. Their only choice when it comes to communication is crying. They are telling their parents what they need. Yes, sometimes that includes attention and snuggling, but that is not always a bad thing. I've read in several places that in a baby that is left to cry (and I mean for an extended period of time), cortisol levels rise in the brain and can cause permanent psychological or physiological changes - such as an insecure person that lacks the ability to trust others. A baby whose needs are met when called for are more secure through their life.

So, what about all the questions of attention seeking behaviors and inability to be alone or self soothe? Well, that is where cry it out (CIO) come in as well as simple individual development.

I'll start with Cry It Out (CIO). When I was younger and of babysitting age, I believed that letting a cranky, fussing kid alone to figure out that their attention seeking behavior was not effective was the thing to do. Eventually, they'd realize it wasn't working and go to sleep on their own. I was told this by many a people and it seemed to make sense. This is not CIO, however, this is what most people think it is and they continue to do this. Now, there is a place and time, but this is not how it's done.

The official method of Cry It Out (CIO) means that the parent is actually teaching the baby to self soothe. When the baby is put down and starts crying, the parent goes through several steps that involve checking on the baby, letting the baby see them and feel secure that the parent  is close by but the baby is not picked up. The parent will then through multiple checks every so often while the baby is fussing check on the baby and ensure to be seen. The checks will lessen in frequency and the distance to the baby in the bed/crib will lengthen. Eventually, the child, knowing that mom or dad (or whoever) will come when called is secure and comfortable and will eventually fall asleep. This is the correct way to do CIO (more detailed information can be found online or in books. I am not an official teacher of this). The child is not simply left to cry to exhaustion.

So, even the official Cry It Out (CIO) method involves tending to the needs of the child, despite what many people believe. What about teaching the child to not fuss and scream just for the attention? Well, when CIO is practiced correctly, it does teach them this. If you don't know how to do CIO or you want to do your own method, the answer is easier, but more vague. Trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone. You know if he or she is crying because he or she is hungry, needs a diaper change, or is tired. Maybe not at first, but you will come to realize that you actually have figured it out. Until then, be assured that you can't spoil a newborn. Being there to meet his or her every need is necessary with a newborn and this will help you to learn the source of the crying. The day will come when the baby is just tired and you will need to just let him or her cry for a short period of time, whether you use CIO or not. You will know when that is, because you have figured out, although in a very abstract manner, what your baby is telling you. Crying is necessary for communication and babies cry for a reason. Responding to that is not spoiling the child and teaching them to seek attention - it is meeting their needs and helping to ensure a secure, trusting future. Once again, it is all about trusting your instincts.

As far as my personal experience and my baby goes, I don't really use the official Cry It Out method because I haven't learned the specifics. I pretty much respond when he is crying. Sometimes he is just fussy and tired. I've been known to let him fuss for a little bit when putting him down. If at any point, it escalates to a screaming fit or goes on for more than 10-15 minutes, I usually will see to him and address what he needs. Sometimes he's just not ready to go down, sometimes he's hungry, sometimes it's a diaper issue. He doesn't always fuss when I put him down either. Sometimes he will go to sleep quietly and calmly. Sometimes he's already nursed to sleep when he is put down. Other times, he'll fuss for a little bit and then go to sleep on his own. My baby is able to self soothe back to sleep after awakening, so there are times when I can hear him moving around after he has gone down and if I leave him be after a couple of minutes, he'll go back to sleep. Other times when he awakens at night, he starts bawling - that is when I know he needs something. This is what has worked for us and I wish you all the luck with your little one.