In a group forum post that I read recently, in a mom group, one mom was asking for suggestions on juggling two kids. There were several suggestions here and there but one really caught my attention. To be perfectly honest, this is the only suggestion that I actually remember. The reason this one caught my attention was because it was so blatantly against all of my mothering instincts. This is especially interesting considering that before I ever had kids I probably wouldn't have blinked twice at the suggestion.
The inquiry regarded what to do when you have a young crying infant that needs to be tended to and also a toddler that needs attention. The response that caught my attention was as follows, "Let the baby cry and tend to the toddler. The baby won't remember." Now, I may not have quoted that verbatim; however, that was essentially what this suggestion was saying. On the surface, I suppose that this seems to makes sense. There are so many different things that can go on with babies however, and there really is a better alternative.
If you've read my earlier post on Cry It Out, you may already know my position. I have read and believe that leaving a baby to cry can lead to some damage that may affect their life as they continue to grow into a child, teenager, and adult. This damage is and sort of chemical damage caused by the release of excess cortisol as the baby cries and continues to become more and more stressed. The release of cortisol is a human (and animal) stress response. Babies left to cry have been proven to mature into children and adults who do not trust others because when they were a baby they were basically left to cry and fuss and their needs were never (rarely, or only intermittently) met by their caretaker. Many people only talk about crying it out when discussing sleep training, ways to get a child to go to sleep independently. Probably less commonly discussed is the topic we're talking about now, what happens when a baby is crying and has needs but an older sibling needs attention as well in a situation completely unrelated to sleep.
The fact of the matter is, babies cry because they have a need that needs to be met. They're virtually incapable of seeking attention alone (not to be confused with the need for comfort). They merely have a need and have only one way in which to communicate with their caretaker. The biggest problem in this situation is that, contrary to popular American beliefs, babies shouldn't cry that much. Babies thrive when they're kept close to their caretaker, i.e. their mother, and their needs are met as they occur. Having a toddler around certainly does throw you for a loop as to how you're supposed to be able to readily tend to the baby's needs while still handling your toddler.
My solution? Simple. Wear your baby.
The benefits of baby-wearing are astounding. I've discussed many of them in my baby-wearing post. When you also have an older toddler, in my book, baby-wearing is essential. By simply wearing the baby he or she is kept close, and that takes care of a number of needs that the baby may have right away. You're right there in contact with the baby, and are likely to easily recognize a dirty or wet diaper. The baby is kept warm and comforted by being right next to mama. For many baby-wearers nursing can also be taken care of completely hands-free (with the exception of adjusting position). Here's the kicker, baby wearing leaves you hands free to do any number of tasks. In this situation, it allows you to tend to your toddler. There's no need to leave the baby to cry to check on your toddler. The baby is right there with you, you're hands free and can turn your attention to your older child. It's win-win. Your baby gets the close personal attention he or she needs, and your toddler has their needs addressed as well. Not to mention that by having the baby right there next to you, the frequency of having a crying, fussy baby in general is decreased.
Check out my baby-wearing post for more information on the benefits of baby-wearing as well as a description of some different carriers that are available. Happy baby-wearing!
Showing posts with label Cry It Out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cry It Out. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Friday, August 27, 2010
On Baby Sleep
Baby sleep is one confounding subject. There are all kinds of articles on it that will tell you how much sleep they are supposed to get, what ages you'd expect to have your baby take two naps a day and when they'll transition to one nap, how to get them to bed at night, etc. If there is one consistent thing I've found with all of the articles I've read, it's that not a single one seems to apply to my baby. I'll explain.
How much babies sleep. I've read several articles that say even though it seems counter intuitive, the more a baby sleeps, the more they will sleep. Ok, what? Basically, they tell you that consistent naps and early bed times ensure longer naps and longer night time sleep. While you may think that the earlier they go to bed, the earlier they awaken, this is not true. They theoretically will sleep longer if you put them to be earlier.
Many people will recommend you let the baby cry it out. As in, you put them to bed awake and if they are crying, let them cry to exhaustion until they finally go to sleep. This is actually not a recommended solution, even though many pediatricians still tell parents to do it. The problem with crying it out (and we're not talking a 5 minute spurt, we're talking 20-30 minutes or longer) is that as a baby cries are unanswered, the more they become stressed out, the more thy are learning that their needs will not be met. They are learning, however unconscious, that people can not be trusted and this will not only lead to an anxious child, but also one that has problems developing relationships with people. Cry it out can be done following the Ferber Method which involves several steps of reassuring the child that their cries are not unanswered and helping them to soothe themselves, knowing that their parents are close by if they are needed. I have a whole post on cry it out, if you want to check that out.
I have many friends that talk about their babies naps and how they can't do certain activities or have to postpone to a later time because that is the baby's nap time. I hear of moms whose babies have slept through the night from the time they put them to bed until they get up in the morning since an early age. I've read that a consistent sleep schedule is best for getting your child to nap and sleep.
And then there is my child.
Now, granted, it's not for lack of trying. Pretty early on, when my little one started staying awake longer, he developed his own sleep schedule. Since I've adopted a more attachment-parenting parenting style, I did not insist on a particular schedule and followed my munchkin's cues to identify when sleep times were. So, pretty early on, this was established by him. He'd wake up around 6:30 or 7 in the morning, get cranky and tired for a nap around 11:30 or 12, get cranky for a second nap around 2, and then he'd go to sleep at night starting at about 10:30p and slowly moving up to around 8:30p. At around 1 year of age, he started skipping the morning nap crankiness and would get tired around 1pm. So, he went from two naps to one. All of this seems perfectly normal.
So where is the problem? Well, it's that he doesn't always sleep. I've tried to put him down to naps before he is cranky (as the articles suggest) around the times he'd normally get tired, but he'd do nothing but sit up and scream. I refuse to let him cry it out, and even trying the Ferber method, his crying doesn't subside upon seeing me as it is supposed to. We have a regular bed time routine too (also as books and articles suggest) but that doesn't mean he always goes down on time. Even if I start the routine at the same time every night. It doesn't matter. He also still wakes up at night (at 13 mo.) which some people seem to think this should be done by much earlier. It is rough. I don't get a ton of sleep, but, at the same time, it is kind of my choice. I don't use cry it out. I haven't tried methods lined out in "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" which I've heard works well. I haven't seriously sought out assistance in getting my baby to sleep more.
But at the same time, I am not stressing out over it, does it bother me? Sure, but I'd rather let my baby sleep when he needs it. I figure it's less stress on him (and me) if I don't try to force him. When he is cranky and fighting sleep and really needs a nap, I take a nap with him. That solves that problem. The bottom line is, it works for us. Don't let people tell you that you need to change what you are doing unless it is causing problems, stressing you out, or putting your child's safety at risk. So what if my baby doesn't take two naps a day and sleep 12 hours at night? I'm not alone and my baby is happy. He is not over-tired and sleep deprived as many of the articles would have you believe. When he doesn't take regular naps he catches cat naps here and there to get the sleep he needs and then goes back to playing and exploring - his favorite activities.
How much babies sleep. I've read several articles that say even though it seems counter intuitive, the more a baby sleeps, the more they will sleep. Ok, what? Basically, they tell you that consistent naps and early bed times ensure longer naps and longer night time sleep. While you may think that the earlier they go to bed, the earlier they awaken, this is not true. They theoretically will sleep longer if you put them to be earlier.
Many people will recommend you let the baby cry it out. As in, you put them to bed awake and if they are crying, let them cry to exhaustion until they finally go to sleep. This is actually not a recommended solution, even though many pediatricians still tell parents to do it. The problem with crying it out (and we're not talking a 5 minute spurt, we're talking 20-30 minutes or longer) is that as a baby cries are unanswered, the more they become stressed out, the more thy are learning that their needs will not be met. They are learning, however unconscious, that people can not be trusted and this will not only lead to an anxious child, but also one that has problems developing relationships with people. Cry it out can be done following the Ferber Method which involves several steps of reassuring the child that their cries are not unanswered and helping them to soothe themselves, knowing that their parents are close by if they are needed. I have a whole post on cry it out, if you want to check that out.
I have many friends that talk about their babies naps and how they can't do certain activities or have to postpone to a later time because that is the baby's nap time. I hear of moms whose babies have slept through the night from the time they put them to bed until they get up in the morning since an early age. I've read that a consistent sleep schedule is best for getting your child to nap and sleep.
And then there is my child.
Now, granted, it's not for lack of trying. Pretty early on, when my little one started staying awake longer, he developed his own sleep schedule. Since I've adopted a more attachment-parenting parenting style, I did not insist on a particular schedule and followed my munchkin's cues to identify when sleep times were. So, pretty early on, this was established by him. He'd wake up around 6:30 or 7 in the morning, get cranky and tired for a nap around 11:30 or 12, get cranky for a second nap around 2, and then he'd go to sleep at night starting at about 10:30p and slowly moving up to around 8:30p. At around 1 year of age, he started skipping the morning nap crankiness and would get tired around 1pm. So, he went from two naps to one. All of this seems perfectly normal.
So where is the problem? Well, it's that he doesn't always sleep. I've tried to put him down to naps before he is cranky (as the articles suggest) around the times he'd normally get tired, but he'd do nothing but sit up and scream. I refuse to let him cry it out, and even trying the Ferber method, his crying doesn't subside upon seeing me as it is supposed to. We have a regular bed time routine too (also as books and articles suggest) but that doesn't mean he always goes down on time. Even if I start the routine at the same time every night. It doesn't matter. He also still wakes up at night (at 13 mo.) which some people seem to think this should be done by much earlier. It is rough. I don't get a ton of sleep, but, at the same time, it is kind of my choice. I don't use cry it out. I haven't tried methods lined out in "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" which I've heard works well. I haven't seriously sought out assistance in getting my baby to sleep more.
But at the same time, I am not stressing out over it, does it bother me? Sure, but I'd rather let my baby sleep when he needs it. I figure it's less stress on him (and me) if I don't try to force him. When he is cranky and fighting sleep and really needs a nap, I take a nap with him. That solves that problem. The bottom line is, it works for us. Don't let people tell you that you need to change what you are doing unless it is causing problems, stressing you out, or putting your child's safety at risk. So what if my baby doesn't take two naps a day and sleep 12 hours at night? I'm not alone and my baby is happy. He is not over-tired and sleep deprived as many of the articles would have you believe. When he doesn't take regular naps he catches cat naps here and there to get the sleep he needs and then goes back to playing and exploring - his favorite activities.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
On Cry-It-Out (CIO)
Cry it out is a common topic you hear in discussion with moms pretty frequently. It raises quite a bit of controversy too. For some, it is the only way to get some peace and quiet, for others it is neglect to let your child do it.
Growing up, I had always been indoctrinated with the concept that with kids, you can't just go to them every time they scream and cry. It will merely teach them that this type of behavior is acceptable, and even if you show displeasure, it still has the desired affect of giving the child attention. And this is true, to an extent. I will explain:
It is pretty much a well known fact that kids will try to get the attention of their parents. Kids don't always care if it is good or bad attention. They'll take it any way they can get it. Attention seeking behavior, in my opinion can be either on purpose or subconscious, but I think we all will do it, even as adults. Training a kid sometimes is like training a dog (you'd say the opposite if you had kids first, I had a dog first so for me, this is the order I choose). Positive reinforcement yields positive behaviors. Punishment is not always effective because it is often carried out inconsistently (enter shows like Super Nanny and Nanny 911). Attention is intangible and so when poor behavior attracts it, it is the same as giving a mouse a cookie, so to speak.
There is however, an age/developmental issue that people don't talk about. Probably because it is virtually impossible to pin point. What do I mean by that? Well, babies have no concept of what attention means. They simply have needs and as a baby, needs need to be met. Their only choice when it comes to communication is crying. They are telling their parents what they need. Yes, sometimes that includes attention and snuggling, but that is not always a bad thing. I've read in several places that in a baby that is left to cry (and I mean for an extended period of time), cortisol levels rise in the brain and can cause permanent psychological or physiological changes - such as an insecure person that lacks the ability to trust others. A baby whose needs are met when called for are more secure through their life.
So, what about all the questions of attention seeking behaviors and inability to be alone or self soothe? Well, that is where cry it out (CIO) come in as well as simple individual development.
I'll start with Cry It Out (CIO). When I was younger and of babysitting age, I believed that letting a cranky, fussing kid alone to figure out that their attention seeking behavior was not effective was the thing to do. Eventually, they'd realize it wasn't working and go to sleep on their own. I was told this by many a people and it seemed to make sense. This is not CIO, however, this is what most people think it is and they continue to do this. Now, there is a place and time, but this is not how it's done.
The official method of Cry It Out (CIO) means that the parent is actually teaching the baby to self soothe. When the baby is put down and starts crying, the parent goes through several steps that involve checking on the baby, letting the baby see them and feel secure that the parent is close by but the baby is not picked up. The parent will then through multiple checks every so often while the baby is fussing check on the baby and ensure to be seen. The checks will lessen in frequency and the distance to the baby in the bed/crib will lengthen. Eventually, the child, knowing that mom or dad (or whoever) will come when called is secure and comfortable and will eventually fall asleep. This is the correct way to do CIO (more detailed information can be found online or in books. I am not an official teacher of this). The child is not simply left to cry to exhaustion.
So, even the official Cry It Out (CIO) method involves tending to the needs of the child, despite what many people believe. What about teaching the child to not fuss and scream just for the attention? Well, when CIO is practiced correctly, it does teach them this. If you don't know how to do CIO or you want to do your own method, the answer is easier, but more vague. Trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone. You know if he or she is crying because he or she is hungry, needs a diaper change, or is tired. Maybe not at first, but you will come to realize that you actually have figured it out. Until then, be assured that you can't spoil a newborn. Being there to meet his or her every need is necessary with a newborn and this will help you to learn the source of the crying. The day will come when the baby is just tired and you will need to just let him or her cry for a short period of time, whether you use CIO or not. You will know when that is, because you have figured out, although in a very abstract manner, what your baby is telling you. Crying is necessary for communication and babies cry for a reason. Responding to that is not spoiling the child and teaching them to seek attention - it is meeting their needs and helping to ensure a secure, trusting future. Once again, it is all about trusting your instincts.
As far as my personal experience and my baby goes, I don't really use the official Cry It Out method because I haven't learned the specifics. I pretty much respond when he is crying. Sometimes he is just fussy and tired. I've been known to let him fuss for a little bit when putting him down. If at any point, it escalates to a screaming fit or goes on for more than 10-15 minutes, I usually will see to him and address what he needs. Sometimes he's just not ready to go down, sometimes he's hungry, sometimes it's a diaper issue. He doesn't always fuss when I put him down either. Sometimes he will go to sleep quietly and calmly. Sometimes he's already nursed to sleep when he is put down. Other times, he'll fuss for a little bit and then go to sleep on his own. My baby is able to self soothe back to sleep after awakening, so there are times when I can hear him moving around after he has gone down and if I leave him be after a couple of minutes, he'll go back to sleep. Other times when he awakens at night, he starts bawling - that is when I know he needs something. This is what has worked for us and I wish you all the luck with your little one.
Growing up, I had always been indoctrinated with the concept that with kids, you can't just go to them every time they scream and cry. It will merely teach them that this type of behavior is acceptable, and even if you show displeasure, it still has the desired affect of giving the child attention. And this is true, to an extent. I will explain:
It is pretty much a well known fact that kids will try to get the attention of their parents. Kids don't always care if it is good or bad attention. They'll take it any way they can get it. Attention seeking behavior, in my opinion can be either on purpose or subconscious, but I think we all will do it, even as adults. Training a kid sometimes is like training a dog (you'd say the opposite if you had kids first, I had a dog first so for me, this is the order I choose). Positive reinforcement yields positive behaviors. Punishment is not always effective because it is often carried out inconsistently (enter shows like Super Nanny and Nanny 911). Attention is intangible and so when poor behavior attracts it, it is the same as giving a mouse a cookie, so to speak.
There is however, an age/developmental issue that people don't talk about. Probably because it is virtually impossible to pin point. What do I mean by that? Well, babies have no concept of what attention means. They simply have needs and as a baby, needs need to be met. Their only choice when it comes to communication is crying. They are telling their parents what they need. Yes, sometimes that includes attention and snuggling, but that is not always a bad thing. I've read in several places that in a baby that is left to cry (and I mean for an extended period of time), cortisol levels rise in the brain and can cause permanent psychological or physiological changes - such as an insecure person that lacks the ability to trust others. A baby whose needs are met when called for are more secure through their life.
So, what about all the questions of attention seeking behaviors and inability to be alone or self soothe? Well, that is where cry it out (CIO) come in as well as simple individual development.
I'll start with Cry It Out (CIO). When I was younger and of babysitting age, I believed that letting a cranky, fussing kid alone to figure out that their attention seeking behavior was not effective was the thing to do. Eventually, they'd realize it wasn't working and go to sleep on their own. I was told this by many a people and it seemed to make sense. This is not CIO, however, this is what most people think it is and they continue to do this. Now, there is a place and time, but this is not how it's done.
The official method of Cry It Out (CIO) means that the parent is actually teaching the baby to self soothe. When the baby is put down and starts crying, the parent goes through several steps that involve checking on the baby, letting the baby see them and feel secure that the parent is close by but the baby is not picked up. The parent will then through multiple checks every so often while the baby is fussing check on the baby and ensure to be seen. The checks will lessen in frequency and the distance to the baby in the bed/crib will lengthen. Eventually, the child, knowing that mom or dad (or whoever) will come when called is secure and comfortable and will eventually fall asleep. This is the correct way to do CIO (more detailed information can be found online or in books. I am not an official teacher of this). The child is not simply left to cry to exhaustion.
So, even the official Cry It Out (CIO) method involves tending to the needs of the child, despite what many people believe. What about teaching the child to not fuss and scream just for the attention? Well, when CIO is practiced correctly, it does teach them this. If you don't know how to do CIO or you want to do your own method, the answer is easier, but more vague. Trust your instincts. You know your child better than anyone. You know if he or she is crying because he or she is hungry, needs a diaper change, or is tired. Maybe not at first, but you will come to realize that you actually have figured it out. Until then, be assured that you can't spoil a newborn. Being there to meet his or her every need is necessary with a newborn and this will help you to learn the source of the crying. The day will come when the baby is just tired and you will need to just let him or her cry for a short period of time, whether you use CIO or not. You will know when that is, because you have figured out, although in a very abstract manner, what your baby is telling you. Crying is necessary for communication and babies cry for a reason. Responding to that is not spoiling the child and teaching them to seek attention - it is meeting their needs and helping to ensure a secure, trusting future. Once again, it is all about trusting your instincts.
As far as my personal experience and my baby goes, I don't really use the official Cry It Out method because I haven't learned the specifics. I pretty much respond when he is crying. Sometimes he is just fussy and tired. I've been known to let him fuss for a little bit when putting him down. If at any point, it escalates to a screaming fit or goes on for more than 10-15 minutes, I usually will see to him and address what he needs. Sometimes he's just not ready to go down, sometimes he's hungry, sometimes it's a diaper issue. He doesn't always fuss when I put him down either. Sometimes he will go to sleep quietly and calmly. Sometimes he's already nursed to sleep when he is put down. Other times, he'll fuss for a little bit and then go to sleep on his own. My baby is able to self soothe back to sleep after awakening, so there are times when I can hear him moving around after he has gone down and if I leave him be after a couple of minutes, he'll go back to sleep. Other times when he awakens at night, he starts bawling - that is when I know he needs something. This is what has worked for us and I wish you all the luck with your little one.
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